“if you’re not going to love us, we don’t want to go.”

As a little girl, I learned very early that appearance matters.

I don’t think anyone actually said the words out loud to me but I heard it loud and clear every where I went.

Messages about weight were fed to me daily- on commercials, at school, through MTV videos (oh my, I just dated myself), ads in the stores, movies, in magazines and store catalogs (remember those lol).

Messages telling me what the approved beauty status of a woman’s body was lived in technicolor all around me and I internalized it all.

I took on beliefs about what was expected of me and my body.

As a 6 year old riding the bus to school, I began to see who was accepted by my classmates and who was ignored or made fun of.

Like every other kid sitting on the bus, I just wanted to feel seen but it was very apparent that there was already some rules in place about what is cool and what isn’t and our only job was to deal with it.

These rules didn’t make sense to my little brain but that didn’t matter at all.

The rules were quite clear.

If you are skinny and pretty then people will be nicer to you.

They will smile at you and talk to you and ask you if you want to play with them at recess.

I was deathly shy as a kid and honestly spent a lot of my recess time standing up against the wall, watching the other kids play and laugh together.

But even being as shy as I was, I could see and feel the games that were being played when it came to who was going to be eating alone at lunch and who wasn’t.

Without it even being a conscious choice, as a little girl with pigtails, I joined in the habitual game of having unrealistic body expectations and self criticism about my body.

As I got older and became a teen in middle school and then went to high school, these messages about body image only played out in broader and deeper ways.

And so began the decades long subconscious pursuit of being accepted or judged through the world imposed definition of ‘beauty’.

… … … … … … …

If you spend any time around women, it is almost guaranteed to hear the conversation turn at some point to someone criticizing their body.

“I hate my saggy skin right now. Omg. I need botox.”

“I need to go on a diet. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror.”

“Does anyone know how to get rid of cellulite? It’s disgusting.”

“My hair is so thin. I hate it.”

“I’d love to wear sandals like that but my feet are so ugly.”

“I wish I could look like that in shorts, but my thighs are too fat.”

“I just got lip filler but I think I need more, they aren’t full enough.”

“I think I’m gonna get laser treatments to remove my freckles, I’ve hated them since I was little.”

“If I was thinner……If I was prettier…..If I was taller….If my ass was bigger….If my boobs were bigger and perkier…..If my stomach was flatter and tighter….If my eyebrows and eyelashes were thicker/longer…..”

The self judgement talk is just what we do.

And we do it well.

… … … … … … … … …

Fast forward to my 48th year around the sun and a lot of the same dialogue still runs through my mind like a well rehearsed script.

Granted, my body has been through a lot of events and changes.

Four pregnancies and nursing those four amazing humans.

Uterine fibroids, endometriosis and a hysterectomy at the age of 42.

This body has taken me a lot of places and it has gotten me through some tough times and some really magical times.

Our bodies have no choice but to go where our brain decides to go, do what our brain decides to do, ingest what our brain decides to eat.

It’s no wonder as we age, our bodies start to show signs of wear and tear and our idea or hope that we are still beautiful slowly fades with the ticking of the clock.

One of the biggest areas of life that brings on the most self judgement of our bodies is our sexuality.

Even a blind person can see the heavy shackles we wear around the expectations of what it means to be a sexy woman.

But that’s a whole other story for another time.

Point being, the female body carries more anchors than wings.

… … … … … … …

When we begin our self awareness journey, it’s one small step after another.

Thankfully, my self awareness has evolved from my pigtail days but damn, a lot of the same energies of body shaming still seems to take up space in my thoughts.

I was sitting at my desk one February day and I decided to rejoin the gym and focus on my physical health.

“It’s time.”

I was tired of being tired and I felt done with feeling the flab on my tummy.

The only muffin tops I wanted were the lemon poppyseed kind, not the one overflowing from the top of my jeans.

The last few years of my life have been spent with a lot of my energy focused on healing my emotional and mental beliefs, patterns, triggers, etc.

So it seemed like the perfect time to reallocate those energies to my body so I could feel more connected and energized.

My intentions were simple.

I wasn’t trying to compete for Miss Universe, I just wanted to feel better and look better in my clothes.

I contacted my oldest daughter who was already a member at the gym and we decided to go that night to get me signed up.

The first few times at the gym felt pretty damn good.

It felt amazing to sweat and feel the challenge of pushing myself when my body started to fatigue.

One evening after I got home from work, I switched into my gym clothes, grabbed my headphones and I was out the door.

When I was warming up on the treadmill, I could sense this energy of frustration and annoyance in my body.

I turned up the Incline and Speed and did my best to keep the pace and focus on the music I was enjoying.

The annoyance and frustration I was feeling grew and I noticed that even the headphones started to feel constricting and the lights seemed too bright.

I looked down at the time on the treadmill that was tracking my progess.

I’ve only been on here for 9 minutes.

I’ll go to 20 minutes and then I’ll try something else, I thought.

I closed my eyes, focused on my breath and slowed it’s pace in an attempt to loosen up the anxious energy so I could finish my warm up.

But with every step I took, the frustration began to turn to anger and even though I had no idea what was going on, I decided to listen to my body and go try something different.

I walked around for a lap or two and decide to try the Stairmaster.

This’ll be a quick 10 minutes and then I’ll hit the sauna and steam room.

That seemed like a good plan.

About 22 steps in, the feelings of frustration filled my whole body and I could not concentrate on or even care about how many floors I was climbing.

I was so confused but I knew that I couldn’t take another frickin’ step.

So I got off the Stairmaster and went to fill my water bottle.

Standing there, watching the water flow, I tried to take some more deep breaths and calm down.

“What is going on?”

I wasn’t ready to leave yet, I’d only been here for a little over 15 minutes.

So I found a yoga mat, a quiet space and decided to do some stretching.

As I focused again on my breathing, I tried to connect to my body and feel into what it was feeling, what it was trying to tell me.

“Why are you so mad?”

Some more deep breaths and slow movements stretching my legs with a focus on my hamstrings.

“What do you need?”

In the last few years, I’ve learned to listen to my body and through beautiful breathwork sessions, I’ve come to understand that my body will communicate with me if I’m open to listening.

“I’m listening……”

I begin stretching my arms and counting my breaths….

In 2, 3, 4….out 2, 3, 4…..In 2, 3, 4…out 2, 3, 4….

I can feel my heart rate begin to slow down and even though it feels difficult in the moment, I put more focus on my body and less on my mind.

Then I hear it.

“If you’re not going to love us, we don’t want to go.”

I sit still, mid-stretch.

Wait. What?

The words echo through me.

“If you’re not going to love us, we don’t want to go.”

I sit still and open my energy to listen deeper.

Honestly, I feel a little jolted by the pure truth of the message.

I sit and allow the words to really sink in and it becomes so clear that my body is telling me that if I am not going to love them, all of my body parts, while we are here, then they don’t want to go to the gym.

I wasn’t even consciously aware of the ways that I was judging, analyzing and being critical of my body but as I thought about it, I could see it.

In so many subtle ways, I was comparing my body to other women’s bodies.

I was wanting mine to be different, to be better.

Subconsciously I was telling my body that it wasn’t good enough and it needed to work harder to get in better shape so it could be more acceptable.

My body wasn’t going to listen to the judgements any longer.

“If you’re not going to love us, we don’t want to go.”

I smiled. I closed my eyes, as tears began to form in them.

I placed my hand on my heart and whispered out loud, “You’re right.”

‘I’m sorry.”

“I’m so sorry.”

I laid down on my back for a few minutes to digest and process what I’d just heard.

“Thank you for telling me how you feel.”

With tears growing in my eyes, I put my floor mat away and headed to the steam room.

Luckily, there was no one else in there so I was able to do some more focused, deep breathing.

I began visualizing an energy starting in my toes and I said, “Thank you. I love you. Thank you for being my toes and giving me balance.”

I then moved the energy up to my feet, my ankles, my legs and calves and every body part, all the way to the top of my head.

With focused breath on each part, I said, “Thank you, I love you.”

The gratitude for each part brought tears to my eyes and I felt a new connection with a deep appreciation that spread through me.

I promised my body that I will try my best to come to the gym with an energy of celebration and appreciation from now on.

But I also reminded my Self that on some days we may fall into old habits of judgement.

And when we do, we will gently remind our selves to be kind.

As I left the gym, my whole body felt connected and calm.

It whispered back to me, “Thank you, we love you too.”

… … … … … … …

We are so much more powerful than we know and the mind-body connection we have access to through breathwork is life transforming.

We can expand and our ability to listen to our bodies.

It is a precious gift and every moment spent focusing on our breath is a moment gained in clarity.

I am so thankful for my body and even though I will struggle with having a healthy body image til my last breath, I will be present and grateful for this body that I was born into.

I hope you can begin to expand your love of your beautiful body too and love all your parts just as they are.

Love always,

Jodee J.